I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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