I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
