i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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