so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
