You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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