is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
How's work?
Spinning.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
