I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
