trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
