the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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