It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's never too late to be topless.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
