Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
