its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
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i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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