Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
