Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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