Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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