Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
