Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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