my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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