If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
