My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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