I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
