Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
