Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
