This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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