I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Drunk is not a location!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
