At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
