I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
