you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
