I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
