two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
