So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
