wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
