i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
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beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
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I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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