my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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