Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
