Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
