I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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