I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
