"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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