Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
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So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
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I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES