So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
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he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
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did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.