walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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