Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
