I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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