Your tits are I can't wait for
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
