Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
