I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
