Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
