never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
