At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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