Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
