I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
