Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I smell like Dick and happiness
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
