You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
