I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
