Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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