I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
