i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
