We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
