Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
