i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
