What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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